Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
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I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
Parent hack: if you tell your kids Monday is a holiday they’ll wake up early and you can get them to school on time.
Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.