Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
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FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*
Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
Instead of mistletoe, I should hang up green citrus fruits.
..so when I stand under them, I’ll feel sublime.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Twitter is for people who tried suffering in silence and realized it wasn’t for them.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
God: make a thing where humans blow mucus out of their face at 500 mph..
Angel: .. we’ll call it a sneeze
God: … fine. But make sure they do it AT LEAST three times in a row
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Pretty much! 😂👀
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
My 6 year old found the duct tape and now nothing in my house moves.
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
“I don’t have that many gray hairs. I’ll just pluck them out.”
aaaaand….now I’m bald.