You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
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Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
*crying and eating cookie dough ice cream*
HUSBAND: Did you have a bad day?
ME: No. Why?
I broke a tooth eating a carrot. I’ve never broken a tooth while eating a donut.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Mcdonalds Drive thru: Do you want a girl toy or a boy toy?
Me: You have those here?!
Is this a threat?
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
The year is 2016. Dads go out for a vape pen refill and never come back.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.