Me: you can’t just be pretty. You have to be smart too!
8: But mom, you’re pretty.
Me: Awe thank……wait what?
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Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
How come I need a complex, indecipherable password to get on Twitter but only a 4-digit number to remove all my money from an ATM?
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
son: dad sing me a song
me: alright *clears throat* SHAWTY HAD THEM APPLE BOTTOM JEANS
wife from the other room: JEANS
me: BOOTS WITH THE FUR
wife: *shows up, grabs both door handles and drops it low* WITH THE FUR
me: THE WHOLE CLUB WAS LOOKING AT HER
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
What was a common name in the Middle Ages? I heard people named their kids Lance a lot
Judge: You have power of attorney?
Me:*curling two briefcases* Pfft. What do you think, bruh?
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone