[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
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Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Ooops wrong house😂😜
You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Love thy neighbor’s dog
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Hurt my hand so now I tweet exclusively with one of those text to speech things comma I think it’s going well full stop send tweet no don’t type that send tweet I said send tweet are you shouting at your phone nobody asked you rebecca wait no don’t send that
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”