Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
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First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
ME: I’m allergic to suggestions.
FRIEND: You should get that checked out.
ME: *swelling up like a balloon* You’re not the boss of me.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
went down to city hall to get married and they said I have to provide my own husband? explain to me why I pay taxes
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.