Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
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Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
Me: what kind of birthday cake do you want?
7: I want a big Star Wars cake with blue frosting at the top and green frosting at the bottom, little stars all over, a baby yoda on top and when you cut it open, M&M’s flow out like a waterfall.
Me: I meant chocolate or vanilla.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
One man has two TCs, an ex with a troll account & a girlfriend who knows his passcode. How long does this man have to live?
Show your work.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison
me [sitting in a chair]: OMG
jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room
me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?
jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*
me: goodbye cruel world
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
3yo: I need you to fix this.
Me: Listen, I got my own problems. You fix it.
3yo: Listen, you got my problems and your problems.
Me: Actually that’s very accurate. Give me your toy. I’ll fix it.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
Her: Why is that expression on your face?
Me: I’m trying to remember your name.
Her: It’s Kelly.
Me: No that’s not it.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?