Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
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[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Choose a job you love and you’ll never work a day in your life, because you’ll never get that job.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
I only shop at yard sales for haunted family heirlooms & lingerie.
when a man describes himself as “old-fashioned,” it means he drinks craft beer and wears a tweed jacket. when a woman calls herself old-fashioned, it means she’s secretly a powerful witch who hunts murderers at a haunted bed-and-breakfast.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
my kids are fillibustering the hell out of this bedtime
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Nobody drops pianos on people like they used to and that’s a shame.
It’s like my granddad used to say “If you have to ask the question, then you don’t know the answer.”
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
*buys 8 first class tickets, fills all of them with infants and toddlers*
Me, from way back in coach: *cups hands* SUCK IT RICH PEOPLE
No one is going to sit in their death bed and think, “I wish I put in more hours at the office”
They’re going to think, “I wish I had corrected more people’s grammar on the internet”
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
*Hanging upside down with my arms folded across my chest* You’d better put that toilet seat down when you’re done!
6, pointing at her brother, crying:
He doesn’t want to play Barbies with me!
Me: None of us do.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.