For someone who dislikes Bill Gates, my dad sure does dress a lot like him.
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
You can name literally any food or drink to the dentist and they’ll be like “ohhh 😕 that’s actually so bad for your teeth. You should only eat water and toothpaste.”
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
NOT all policemen are strippers.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Got a booty text from my ex-husband so I did the logical thing and forwarded it to his new girlfriend.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
my first day as a raccoon
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great