6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
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THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
No need to pay for a gym when accidentally liking a selfie online makes your palms sweat and your heart race for free.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
Dead sexy!!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
The good thing about leading a dull life is that all entertainment seems exciting by comparison. I consider any film where people leave the house after 6pm to be an action film.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times