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90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
Imma just leave this here…………
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
The answer is funnier than the question
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
OK, guy with the two kayaks and two bikes strapped to his Subaru Outback: settle down. Save some outdoors for the rest of us.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
Me: Hi. Can I help you?
Him: I’m here about the wanted ad for the one night stand
Me: Great. Where is it?
Him: What?
Me: The nightstand.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Wife really liked the “sex anytime, anywhere” coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified “with me”
We shouldn’t send our trash into space, that’s how you get space raccoons
Trojan condoms were named after a city that was maliciously and deceitfully entered and then burned to the ground? Hmmm….
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating