Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
You Might Also Like
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
Him: I can’t wait to sit with you and watch the sunsets this summer.
Me: Oh that will never happen.
Him: Are you breaking up with me?
Me: No. It’s just the sun doesn’t set until like 9pm and that’s way past my bedtime.
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Adopt a pitbull so that nobody asks you to babysit
Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
1st Born: If you hold him support his head.
2nd Born: Dangle him by his feet, he loves it.
3rd Born: We don’t have a ball, use your baby brother.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
“God is good all the time!” Yeah. Not you though, Russ. You sucked for 55 frigging minutes.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”