Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
You Might Also Like
Lol how “take you out” could mean either we’re going on a date or I’m gonna kill you.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
My mom doesn’t understand that powdered donuts are eaten over cd cases while in cars, and my friends love donuts, and that’s why. (Not blow)
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
I don’t know if this is just an Italian thing but I have the complete inability to cook for less than 2,116 people at a time.
WIFE: Your heavy drinking is making you delusional
ME: *turns to friend* Do you think that’s true?
WOLVERINE: Nah, don’t listen to her
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂