Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
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At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[wears my camouflage hat] where’s my camouflage hat
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
the highest compliment is someone asking for ur soup recipe and the highest ego swell is telling them there isn’t one
“It’s April Fools Day. I can’t wait to play tricks on Dad ALL day.” – my 5yo. His first trick: Getting him “coffee,” but putting water in his cup instead. He is so excited.
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
Mornin
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
Morpheus: take the blue pill, the story ends. Take the red pill, I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
Dog: (staring at gray pills) Crap
“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
In my younger days, I was bullied. Fed up one day I punched the biggest kid in class. I think about that teaching job often.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.