I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
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all stores should have bathrooms in the front AND the back. the chances my kid will use the conveniently placed front bathroom when we first walk in are 0. The chances he’ll want to use one is when we’re 2 miles in the back of the store is 100.
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
“Ready for the peep show, sailor?”
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.
After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!