My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
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even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
Him: I’m head over heels for you, baby.
Me: So you’re like, standing?
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I