I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
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I’m a big Kate Bush fan, and thanks to her I’ve just discovered a fascinating historical drama series called Stranger Things, all about youngsters in America a long time ago.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
my body: *works a complex system of biological processes to scab over my damaged skin*
me: *about to rip the scab off for no reason*
*creators of the alphabet, exhausted, and near the end*
Whatever, let’s just call this letter…double u.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
the sexual tension when everyone arrives at a 4-way stop at the same time
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
Butt weight. There’s more!
Your sex life as a parent basically becomes “Fifty Shades of Pray Those Kids Stay Asleep.”
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
CUTE DUDE AT THE AUTO SHOP: & thats how u fix a flat tire
ME: tysm! My dad never showed me this stuff
DUDE: aw
M: *whispers* ur my dad now
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
What you say: Don’t make a mess in the bathroom.
What the child hears: There are six bottle of nail polish in the vanity drawer.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy