If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
You Might Also Like
I gave up going to work for lent.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.
dude it’s called proctologist
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Confession: I’m a fake gamer guy. This gut? Prosthetic. These shorts? Armani. Even this bag of cheetos is filled with healthy baby carrots!
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Mugger: “Give me your wallet and watch.”
*hand over my wallet*
Me: “Okay, I’m watching.”
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Self-cleaning conscience
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning