As a white person, I have a primal fear of getting lost in the snow.
You Might Also Like
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
If you look up euphoria in the dictionary, there’s a picture of me killing a fly I’ve been chasing for three hours.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
Back in my day we used ter wake up at tha crack o’ dawn to tend to these here tweets
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Me: What are you doing?!
5-year-old: Hugging my sister.
Me: Hugs don’t start with a flying tackle.
5:
Me:
5: The good ones do.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
DATE: If you don’t stop talking like a phone sex operator I’m gonna leave.
ME: oh yeah? *low raspy voice* ..and then what are you gonna do?
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent