ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
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Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
Tammy is short for Tamuel
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
Zookeeper: Sir, please leave the hippo enclosure.
Me: No. This is my family now.
ZK: They don’t actually eat marbles.
Me: I’m coming out.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
Me: If you wear a bikini to the zoo is it a zucchini
LeBron: I…is this the right room? The nurse said you were dying
Me: Dying to meet you
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat