Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
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What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My man got attacked by a snapping turtle.
I asked the ER doctor if he would get turtle powers and the doctor asked him if he feels safe at home
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Much to my husband’s dismay, I have discovered the show Blue Bloods. I love it and he absolutely hates it. I said, “Do you know how many shows you love that I hate but I watch anyway? It’s called marriage.” He said, “Ok, fine.”
Friends, I googled and there are 293 episodes.
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Forever 21… pounds overweight
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge