Sometimes I dream I’m a sherpa. Just sherpa-ing up a large mountain made of cheese.
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imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Nobody is looking…here’s my chance…😂😏🐶
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
reminiscing fondly on my College roomy Vincent who, when told by the RAs that lava lamps are fire hazard banned from the dorms, replied “guys relax it’s not real lava”
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Hoping all my fellow North Carolinians are staying safe. Except my 7th grade boyfriend. I hope that dude ends up in China.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
It’s hard to tell because most pictures are in black and white, but Abraham Lincoln’s hat was actually a nice mauve.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
women love to see the veins in a man’s arm. it shows he runs on blood, and not something more sinister
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
God: bite into this onion like it’s an apple
Abraham: what?
Jesus: dude he gets like this sometimes, just do it
Abraham, biting the onion: ew gross
God: lol nice. Ok now sacrifice your son
Abraham: wtf
God: sacrifice yours & I’ll sacrifice mine
Jesus: sorry what
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.