Just finished my first painting.
Tasted awful.
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Only Americans understand
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
#MyRoommateIsWeird she keeps having babies and making me take care of them. She also insists I call her ‘Wife’
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
I’m following around cop cars all day to let them know how it feels.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”