Don’t get angry…
…get pizza.
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I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry
– me taking a joke
I had an interesting talk with my son’s Sunday School teacher because apparently, when she asked the kids for the next line to Jesus Loves Me this I know, he shouted out “Cause Stone Cold says so” instead and now the rest of the class won’t stop doing it.
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
My wife told me, “I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me.”
I said, “You have perfect eyesight.”
Sometimes I swear I’m reading a post about a reliable used car and the whole time it’s a man wishing his wife a happy anniversary
Me *googling* are people who steal ducks called abducktors or kidquackers?
FBI agent monitoring me: *reaching for whiskey* Jesus Christ
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
we went from november 1 to november 15 in just 3 minutes
There are 363 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up.
Unbelievable.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
It should’ve been a red flag when my ex told me that he got his futon mattress/bed out of a dumpster, but then I married him for 20 years.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”