If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
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My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Me *plans an elaborate family vacation and packs nearly everything for the entire family*
“Honey, can you just pack your toiletries?”Him (35,000 feet in the air): “Hotels give you deodorant right?”
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
I use the Toy Story defense when I go out in public. When someone sees me, I just freeze and hope they don’t figure out I’m a real person
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
mechanics be like
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Husband: *wakes up* Wow! I feel great! I can’t believe all of our kids slept through the night.
Me: (with 4 kids on top of me) Oh, I believe it.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
Aight bet
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
selfie game
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?