it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
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Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*
Me: Dad’s in the garage.
Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
This might damage our relationship but I don’t use ketchup on fries
Optional boss fight.
A sick whale is called an unwhale
My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”
And he can, he can hold them all.
me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time