Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
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It’s fine when farmers use souls of old plants 2 strengthen crops, but when I do it w/ ppl “I’m a witch” & “dear god she’s getting stronger”
Just tell me which one is wrong, the password or the username!! Don’t make me have to guess.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
I can never say the word “rural” without sounding like Scooby Doo.
I tried sliding across the hood of my Camaro, but my pony tail got caught in the windshield wiper.
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
The reason that there are so many tweets about cats is that people with dogs go outside.
It’s cute how I add this salad to my fitness app as my lunch like I didn’t pregame this sprig of kale with 4 grilled cheese sammiches, a cookie, and a chicken wing.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Oh what so only roosters are allowed to start the day with screaming
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Sorry, there’s a technical problem preventing me from RTing your tweets. Technically they’re not funny.
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats