What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
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According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
Personal trainer: What’s your goal?
Me :To pet all the dogs…
Trainer:No your fitness goal
Me: To run fast enough to pet all the dogs
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
me during winter: will I ever love again
me the moment the sun comes out: I have fallen in love four times in the same stretch of road
The only occasions in which I will run:
– Zombie apocalypse
– Salma Hayek is handing out all-you-can-eat baby back ribs
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Nothing is guaranteed to be less funny than when an NPR host says, “You know, it’s funny…”
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
Eggs come out of the carton left to right, buddy. Not all willy-nilly like some crazy person who hates America.
Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
if you find yourself struggling creatively take a step back and realize that you are also struggling financially so at least you’re consistent
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth…
Then it’s a soap opera!
I can easily make lemonade, but I have no idea what to do when life gives me a fitted sheet.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Hamburger Hinderer.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better