Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
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Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
– at a ramen restaurant –
Me: slurp
Me: sluuurp
Me: slur-
Friend: stop, the food isn’t even here yet
Me: im practicing leave me alone
My house looks pristine, unless you have a can of luminol and a black light.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
Left at a local drug store…
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
I used to think alcohol silenced the voices in my head until I realised it had just moved them to my mouth.
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.