I don’t know why so many people blame their air conditioning for their inability to spell.
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GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
An excerpt from my self help book, “How to Get Rich Quick”
Chapter 1: Write a self help book about how to get rich quick
The End
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
Needless to say, I don’t think it’s good news.
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
*runs in out of breath*
Friend: what’s going on?
Me: [heavy breathing] bear with me
Friend: Ok *waits*
*bear runs in, also out of breath*
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My wife said the infinity scarf I got her is too small and I said: “That’s mathematically impossible.”
Anyhoo, we’re divorced now.
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
things I would say ALL THE TIME were I a Mysterious Widow:
-how terribly kind of you
-richard LOVED the water
-i can’t, i’m wearing gloves
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
My New Year’s resolution is to stop making so many typos.
Wish me lick.
What the hell happened in there??
Maybe your parents told you a watched pot never boils so you wouldn’t go around sticking your face near boiling water, idiot.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.