San Francisco has too many rules
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I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
How I know my 4yo’s in a little salty mood today:
Huggies commercial: “I’m a big kid now!”
4yo: “…no you’re not…”
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
I still remember when “information is power” could be said with a straight face. Thank goodness the internet put that myth to rest.
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
Passed by a old school Math example today.
Perfect
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
When it comes to Pope vs. Trump, do you take the side of the guy who wears that ridiculous thing on his head or the Pope?
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
Cricket: what am I?
God: a bug
Cricket: *flutters wings* do I fly?
God: you sorta jump big
Cricket: *sees bird* is that a bug?
God: nah buddy that’s a bird
Bird: *chirps*
Cricket: *chirps*
God: no stop that
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
Nothing freaks me out like that girl w/the purple bra yelling “Hey those are MY panties!” Finders keepers lady.
*meets man next door*
That’ll be easy to remember. We have the same first name
*meets neighbour’s wife*
Is our name tattooed anywhere on your body?
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
cat: *unresponsive*
bartender: get this catatonic