They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
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*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
911?
~He’s eating Top Ramen!
911: Keep calm! Did he drain the water
~NO! He’s eating it like soup!
911: That’s fucked up
~I KNOW RIGHT
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
If you send me game requests on Facebook I’ll visit an adult bookstore and tag you as being with me.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
Me: Can I pet your dog?
Stranger: sure
M: one more time
S: uh, ok
M: again
S: maybe you should get your own
M: pet
S: we have to go
M: mine
Pretty funny that turtles are always in uniform. It’s like lighten up, turtles. The war is over.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
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