*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
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FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Period tracker: 196 days late
Me: *wears white pants
Period: I’m ready for my comeback
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
Someday, scientists will capture the energy of eye rolls to produce electricity, and the world will be a cleaner, more sarcastic place.
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?