Things that don’t exist:
1. Unicorn
2. Ghosts
3. Whatever thing that my wife tells me to get from her handbag.
You Might Also Like
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
girlfriend asks you to get wine: You’re getting laid
wife asks you to get wine: You’re getting yelled at
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?
“Not with the proper treatment.”
*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor
While a big fan overall, I always found the Chipmunks’ instrumental songs sort of pointless.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*
“We will wed,” I threatened
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
*neil degrasse tyson scoffing at his keyboard*
this bar is not in space
Twitter yesterday: We are outraged about the lion!
Twitter today: We are outraged about the outrage about the lion!
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.