Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
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Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
Self-cleaning conscience
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
tinder profile where the fish is holding me
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
I just want to be considered unstable enough to where nobody wants me involved in their pyramid scheme.
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
A Match(.com), but for socks.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
Her: Hi! How’ve you been?
Me: Great! You?
Her: So good! Family?
Me: Great! Yours?
Her: Good!
Me: Let’s catch up soon.
Her: Definitely! Call me.Husband: Who was that?
Me: I have no idea.
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
GPS: You’re not really lost, you just want someone to talk to.
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
We can’t do civil war yet. I don’t have the right outfit.
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly