dad: what should we name him
mom: something beautiful
dad: something unique
mom: any ideas
dad: matt
mom: ok
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
Sometimes I tell myself I should stop drinking so much, but I’m not about to listen to a drunk who’s talking to himself.
Cop: Do you think you can identify the deceased?
Me *nodding* I bet it’s the dude over there with no head
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
[dragging bathtub into the kitchen]
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Toaster cord is too short.
Not😆🤣
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
Zack Greinke stories are the best
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.
ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
As founder and CEO of YOLO Guaranteed, my first product launch will be fishnet parachutes.
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.