If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
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I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Yes, I said I was sorry and that I’d do anything to win you back. But that was before you told me you needed a ride to the airport at 5am.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
Stop blaming lazy people!
They didn’t do anything
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Me: *typing on laptop*
My cat: *climbs on me, reaches & puts 2 paws on my face*
Me: Aww. So sweet.
My cat: *rips my glasses off with his paws, & flings them on the floor*
Me: Or not.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
What in the hell is “disposable income”?
what if i hugged you really tight and then loosened my grip slowly and then told you your blood pressure is 140/90
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Magician: Ok Sir, pick one, write your name on it, and put it back in to the pack. Don’t let me see which one it was.
Me:(wrestling with angry wolf) Have you ever thought of trying this trick with playing cards!!
#RateMyPun #LunchPun
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.