When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
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Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of π
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Apparently, Indian banks will give you a loan only if you prove that you don’t need it.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.