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Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
If you get confused visiting Canada and you think you’re in France, relax my dear wanderer, you’re not high! It’s not you, it’s just Québec
Nz lockdown 1: I’m gonna make bread and be creative every day!
Nz lockdown 2: time to watch all the twilight movies
Nz lockdown 3: time to make my sims family kill eachother and watch the twilight movies again
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
Why isn’t there a squirrel week, Discovery Channel?
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
you pass by on your run. i’m on the front porch hacking into my neighbors neurolink and having him wash my dad’s van
I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Him: I’ll hold your hair while you throw up
Her: *throws up*
Him: *throws up in her hair*
Autocorrect changed my condolence tweet from “your family is in my thoughts” to “your family is in my thighs” and now I’m blocked.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
ISAAC NEWTON: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at his feet* i have just discovered gravity
ME: *apple falls from tree and lands on the ground at my feet* i have just discovered fruit by the foot
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back