I’m starting to think some of you might be taking marijuanas
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I haven’t tweeted about murder for a while and that’s exactly how a real killer would put you at ease.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
A city girl was bequeathed an inn, but it’s all run down and doesn’t have any water and the only person in town for the holidays is the ruggedly handsome guy who just lost his wife
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
After a long journey Frodo and Sam arrive to return the One Ring to the fires of Mt. Doom
Frodo: Dude dont be mad, but I forgot the receipt
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Whenever I need a good laugh…
…I start reading suggested serving sizes.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
A lot of y’all who said I couldn’t fit this whole starfish in my mouth are real quiet these days.