My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
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me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Might get a little wild tonight and set the white noise machine to overheated laptop
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
You’re not supposed to be your pet’s friend, your job is to make sure they get into a good pet college.
If you can’t handle my interpretive dance to November Rain than you don’t deserve me doing splits on the hood of your car to Whitesnake.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
My neighbor was yelling at her kids so I joined in by repeating everything she said.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
No Kevin, a carburetor is not someone who ate a lot of carbs.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Playdough smells better than other philosophers
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.
Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.