[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
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Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice.
Beetlejuice: Hey!
me: Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice. Beetlejuice…
Another Beetlejuice: Hey! oh.
me: Beetlejuice…
Beetlejuices: please stop.
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Me: *trying to take a shower*
My brain: SPICE DWARVES
Me: No
Brain: Sleepy, Happy, Scary, Ginger, Sneezy, Baby and Posh
Me: Why
Brain: 🎶if you wanna be my lover, you gotta do all my chores
Me: Nobody cares about the Spice Girls anymore, what is wrong with you
Brain: 🎶Hi HOOOOOO
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
I have an on again on again relationship with my couch.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.