Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
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My new favorite headline
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
I bet birds love this building.
[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
When asked about performing in a musical for Andrew Lloyd Webber, Meatloaf was quoted as saying “Oh I would do anything for Lloyd, but I won’t do Cats!”
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
Parents of toddlers are the biggest gamblers like when your kid asks to help but you’ve just finished so you say something like: I’m done mixing the ingredients but I really need someone to watch them bake, and then you hold your breath hoping they don’t call your bluff
Well, you know when you start cooking something & go to check Twitter real quick?
Fireman: ….
{Twirls hair} Can I try on your fancy hat?
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“Let It Go” performed by Rose and Jack from Titanic. Mostly by Rose, though.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
if you really want to capture her heart this Valentine’s Day sculpt her likeness in ham, the most sensual of the smoked meats
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
A lizard fell on my hand as I opening the window… now I have to explain why there was a young lady screaming in my room 👀
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy