This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
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[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Stegosaurus: We’re getting reports of a huge asteroid. A global killer. We need a volunteer deep-core driller to destroy it
T-Rex: As the world’s best deep-core driller, I will save us all
[cut to T-Rex furiously trying to pick up the detonator he dropped]
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
When a woman suddenly shuts up, a man can hear the theme from Psycho discreetly playing in the background.
My dogs are really bad about breaking into food bags so we moved everything out of reach.
Two days ago I joked to my wife they were going to learn how to open cans.
Yesterday I came home to a half eaten can of SPAM with the top chewed off.
Be careful what you put out there.
I think they could have phrased this better
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
ME: *drinking Canada Dry*
CANADIANS: Hello 911? There’s a guy here somehow drinking our water reservoirs.
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
Nurse: we need to draw some blood
Me with a fine arts degree: *hastily reaches into backpack* i saved my good marker for this
Getting colagen injections in my lips next week ’cause, you know, ’tis the season to be Jolie.
Breaking news:
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.