Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
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7yo: Who’s older: you or dad?
Me: Dad.
7: Then how come you look older?
Me: Santa’s not real.
Flipping TV channels and seeing The Good Doctor and The Good Wife. I wonder…who’s been Bad?
Trump worked his way up from nothing. He’s going to give every American the same 1 million dollars he started with. That’s all you need.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
3 Hurricanes
2 Wildfires
A wild tiger roaming I-75Who decided to play Jumanji?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
ravioli cooking instructions are always like “bring 7 gallons of water to a boil. cook one ravioli at a time. use new water between raviolis. they don’t like thrifted baths.”
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
My little boy told me he wants to pass out hand sanitizers for Valentine’s Day bc he’s sick of everyone’s germs.
“I wanna be your friend, but please clean your hands first.”
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
I love the idea of Frankenstein applying for a research grant and having to admit he’s skipping the testing on mice and going directly for human trials.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”