Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
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this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
Once an octopus figures out how to do roundhouse kicks, humans are pretty much done
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Kill someone with an icecream cone and eat it afterward. They can’t convict with no murder weapon. It’s the perfect crime. Plus, ice cream.
What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
HOW TO DIAGNOSE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION:
1) It’s not very hard
[THE INVENTOR OF GUM]
What if you could just pretend to eat?
I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?
Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Medusa: so do you have any QUITE LARGE HATS in there
sales assistant: [suspicious] why are you outside the shop shouting