Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
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It’s good to make mistakes in front of your children to teach them they don’t have to be perfect.
And also the truth that you’re a moron.
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
If someone tells me “don’t be surprised if we find a body” I’m going to be many other emotions first.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM