Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
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You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
My youngest once got ahold of the scissors and gave herself a haircut. It wasn’t bad. So now every 6 weeks we casually leave them out.
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born…
Life is crazy…
me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
Just watched a guy walk out of the tanning place and immediately light a cigarette. Slow down, buddy. Don’t get all the cancer today!
How the hell did we sit cross-legged all the time as kids?? I just sat cross-legged to play with the dog for a few minutes and I guess I live down here now because there is no coming back from this.
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
People get upset when you bring a beach ball to a funeral.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”