Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
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Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Men say they love it when you get wet for them, but then complain when you flood their entire house.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
My mom: sure use any towel.
Also my mom: not that one.
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
[Describing guy who just mugged me to sketch artist]
“He was literally kermit the frog”
Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Q: Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
A: Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
#HappyBirthdayBob
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
(First date)
Just act like he’s not here.
Date: …
Husband: …
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
My cousin: “i just closed a big deal today that is going to make me a ton of money!”
Me: “some guy name Queef Nuggets RTed me”
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
“Mom, can you make me a snack and bring it upstairs?”
Me: “No! What is this, Denny’s?”
“Mom, Denny’s doesn’t have an upstairs.”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it