My retirement plan is to become a cat.
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KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Ffs laughed out loud 😂
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
MURDERER: *while murdering me* I feel like you’re not taking this seriously.
ME: *eating a Belgian waffle* Wut?
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Cute waiter: Hi, what can I get for you?
Me: *accidentally barks*
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
Sometimes I hide condiments from my husband by moving them 3 inches to the left.
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
Diet starts today.
I need to lose about 3 years.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
I can’t stand lactose intolerant people who work at ice cream parlors. They can dish it out but they can’t take it.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
The mall reopened today, but I don’t have any Bath & Body coupons so I’m not going.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
Asking your mom, “Will there be any pretty girls coming?”
Is a good way of getting out of going to your family reunion..
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.